cut my wrist and hope to die
by Inuyasharocks01862
Summary: Astrid and Hiccup sad story. Astrid cuts herself and almost dies modern AU


Disclamer: I don't own the characters of How to train your dragon

Astrid's point of view

I grabbed the razor from the hidden compartment in my drawer and sat down on my bed.

 _SLUT_

I smiled a bit as I carved the words into my flesh.

Everyday walking down the hall it was the same.

My name whispered amongst the people in the halls, everywhere I fucking go.

It's funny how one thing can fuck up your life completely.

Half the people don't even know the fucking story behind why I'm a "Slut" anyway.

Snotlout started a rumor last year that I seduced my best friend, Hiccup into having sex with me.

Which is not true. He's my best friend I would never.

Well, ok I do like him but _seduce him?_ Really?

Well that started everything.

Then people started calling me fat, and ugly.

Hiccup told me not to let it get to me.

Yea fucking right.

Besides my face, hands, and neck, I don't think there is a single part of my body without a cut, scratch or burn.

Hiccup doesn't even know. I'm the only one who knows and that's how its staying.

I pulled the blood covered razor off my skin after I finished the 'T' and I started slashing up my arm.

The tears started to flow out of my eyes and I couldn't help but smile.

I put the blade on my wrist and started to push.

 _'Finally... it'll all be over.'_

"Astrid... don't...please." I shook my head.

"No. I can't. I have to die!" I pushed harder, blood trickling down from my wrist.

His hand grabbed mine and pulled it away, along with the razor.

"Astrid...please." I looked up at Hiccup, anger in my eyes.

"Give it back!" I yelled, reaching for it and hitting him when he didn't give it to me.

I finally gave up, falling on the ground, not caring about the blood on my wrists.

Hiccup could finally see the majority of my cuts. I was wearing a tank-top and shorts.

I felt so naked and ugly.

"Just let me die..." I sobbed.

Hicup picked me up slowly and set me in his lap.

"Astrid... Why are you doing this to yourself? What drove you to do this to your body?" I grew angry, I hate it when people do things like that. I stood up and started to yell

"You wouldn't understand! You'll never understand! It's not that simple to explain! It everything! Everything I fucking hear makes me want to just give up! I'M DONE! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Just let me die...! I want to die..."

Hiccup grabbed me again and I could feel him shaking.

I looked up at him to see him barely holding back tears.

"Hiccup... Stop. Don't pretend like you care. Just give me back the razor and you won't have to deal with your ugly, slutty, fat ass friend." I started to cry again and reached for my razor.

"Astrid... If you go..." He set me down next to him and lifted his shirt off.

"I'm coming with you." I almost screamed just looking at him. From his Biceps up, there were hundreds of cuts, some forming words, like, Unloved, Piece of Shit, worthless ugly, and some even worse than that.

I started to cry.

"Hiccup...why didn't you tell me?" A few tears of his fell.

"The same reasons you did. I didn't want anyone to know, or to pity me. And I didn't want you to think I was insane or weird. If you'd have found out and thought I was wack, I probably would've killed myself, because I can't lose you." I looked at his body and mine before I processed what he said.

"You'd be fine." I looked at the ground tears falling to the ground or landing on my scarred legs.

"Snotlout is the reason for the pain both of us are facing. You haven't realized it have you Astrid?" I looked at him.

"What do you mean...?" I started to feel light headed and I don't think it's from Hiccup.

"Astrid. If I lost you I'd have nothing to live for because everyone, everything I've ever loved would be dead."

"H Hiccup... Are you being serious with me...? Because if your lying this is a sick and twisted." I started to cry again, feeling as though he was put up to the task.

"Astrid Hofferson, would I ever lie to you.? Besides hiding these from you?" I shook my head.

"No. I wouldn't. I love you ok. Always have always will, no matter how many scars you have on your body." I shook my head no again.

"You can't love me. I'm not worth it."

"Astrid, you are worth everything! Your not perfect, but newsflash, No one is! Now before you- Whoa Astrid... are you ok?" I nodded slowly.

"Hic..cup" I felt a rush, like I was falling and a "Astrid!" and then I blacked out.

I woke up in a sterile white room, the stench of blood overwhelming.

I looked at my arm to see a bandage around my wrist where I tried to cut my wrist open, and an IV giving me a red fluid.

"Astrid?" I turned my head to see Hiccup. He got up and came to my bedside.

"Hiccup...hey." I smiled weakly and he leaned down and kissed my forehead.

"You've been out for two days. Lost a lot of blood. You have to stay for a few, so rest up." Hiccup smiled a bit and went out of the room for a minute.

A doctor followed him back in.

"Ms. Hofferson, we noticed all the cuts on your body. Has this been a regular thing?" I nodded a bit.

"This is not healthy for you. If you continue to do this, blood loss will be to much and you'll die." The doctor said, holding her hands together.

I mentally slapped her.

 _'I know that! That's why I did it you stupid bitch!'_ I wanted to yell at her.

But I soothed my face and spoke calmly.

"I am aware of that," I put my hand under the sheet and crossed my fingers. "and I'll never do it again."

Hiccup and the doctor smiled.

"Good. You and your boyfriend can leave as soon as I'm done with your paper." I blushed.

"He's not really my boyfriend..." The doctor looked surprised for a moment.

"Well he certainly made it seem like he was. With all the 'I refuse to leave' and always freaking out when something happened." I looked at Hiccup and the doctor walked out.

"You really did that...?" He looked at his shoes for a moment and then looked at me.

"Yea...I did... You had me scared to death over here, though!" I chuckled slightly at him and he smiled back.

"Thanks Dragon boy." I whispered, calling him by his old nickname.

"No problem Ast."

I woke up in a car.

I looked out the window to see that it was dark and rainy.

I sighed softly, and then felt a hand rest softly on mine.

I turned towards the owner.

"Hey... You're awake." Hiccup smiled a bit as he watched the road.

"Mmhm." I rested my head back lazily and tried to doze off.

I woke up again in Hiccup's warm lap with soft whispers being fed to me.

"-to wake up, Ast... c'mon baby... wake up..." I felt as though I was a small child, but I felt amazing here, sitting In Hiccup's lap.

I pretended to still be asleep.

"Ast... c'mon...wake up." I still stayed "asleep"

"Fine. I guess I'll have to wake you up like this." Before I knew it, I felt his lips on mine.

my eyes flew open, but quickly fluttered shut.

I returned the kiss eagerly and wrapped my arms around his neck.

He pulled away from my lips for a moment.

"I knew you weren't asleep. You normally sleep right through a kiss." I went to kiss him again but stopped.

"What do you mean?" Hiccup blushed.

"Oh, um, I... well..." I just continued to stare at him.

"Say it. Now."

"Whenever I would spend the night... I would...I would kiss you while you were asleep." My eyes widened. A bit in anger and a bit in surprise.

 _'He kissed me while I was asleep?! How could he take advantage of me like that?! But still, he's kissed me before! Oh my gosh, what if those dreams I had weren't dreams?!'_

"What about your dreams?" Hiccup asked.

"Huh... What?"

"You said: What if they weren't dreams. What do you mean?" I blushed and looked away.

"Just a dream about you. It's not anything important though."

"Oh... Um... Astrid...?" I looked at him. He was twiddling his thumbs nervously and he looked like someone spray painted his face a bright red.

"Yes...?" He looked up at me for a moment, but then looked back down.

"Astrid... will you... will you go out with me?" I almost fell out of his lap.

"H-Hiccup... I..." Hiccup looked hurt.

"I understand." He put me down on the couch. "I just wanted to be with the one I care the most about."

"I never said no. I never even gave an answer."

Hiccup just stared at me.

"Astrid... What do you...?"

"Hiccup. You know of my biggest secret. And I've known you longer than anyone else. I feel the most comfortable around you. I felt something for you before... but just told myself it was just the feelings you have towards your best friend. But I realized that it's more than that... I... I think I love you Hiccup." Hiccup sat there with a shocked face until he spoke.

"You... Love me...?" He asked, in utter disbelief.

I started to cry.

"Of course... but I know you don't really love me. Because who would love a girl who cuts herself?" I cried harder now and winced when Hiccup put his arms around me.

"Astrid, I'm not going to sit here and listen to you say you're unloved. I felt the same way, but I was wrong. There are people who love me. You love me. And I love you. I've loved you since I laid eyes on you. And it hurts me," I looked at Hiccup. Nothing but truth and pain were in them, but his eyes were brimmed with tears. "To know that you hurt yourself because of all the shit. I know it hurts you to know I did it too, but it's a way to deal with , I love you with everything I have. I would marry you right now, but I don't think you would be ready for that. So this is why I'm asking you, completely serious. Will you be my girlfriend?" I shook violently with contained sobs.

"Y-Ye-Yes!" He hugged me close to him and started to whisper soft words of comfort into my ear.

"Astrid... Promise me you'll never do anything to hurt yourself again." I looked up at him.

"I promise."

And for the first time in forever, I didn't cross my fingers...


End file.
